I don't have to tell you that Steubenville is all over the news.
I don't have to tell you that it's a fucking joke that Trent Mays and Ma'lik Richmond, the two teenagers convicted of raping a sixteen year old girl, were only sentenced to a combined three years in juvenile prison. Each will serve a year for the rape itself; Mays will serve an additional year for "illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material."
Fabulous video! “Dear Straight Allies– Thank you! More please.”
I’ve been over my slam poetry phase for a while (I still think it’s a wonderful endeavor for budding poets), but this was too good NOT to share. Enjoy!
Ugh, been there!
Oh boy, did my hairy-lesbian-HULK ever come out to SMASH today.
Today, I happened across an article about a study the National Institutes of Health is funding. Brace yourself. They want to find out why lesbians are fat. And no, sadly, I did not read this on The Onion. In fact, they want to find out why lesbians are fat so badly that they’re funding this study to the tune of $1.5 million dollars. Let me repeat that– ONE POINT FIVE MILLION DOLLARS TO FIND OUT WHY SOME LEZZIES ARE FAT. Holy Crap, and we wonder why the country is broke??
What gets me about this is that you don’t need a freakin’ study to answer this question. You merely need a survey. Especially since they also want to know why gay men, compared to straight men, are less obese. Really now. An hour alone with a dyke and twink and you’d have all your queer mysteries solved. But, no. Let’s spend $1.5 million and treat LGBTQ peoples like lab rats instead of, oh, I don’t know, just asking them why they don’t feel a need to conform to the same beauty standards as heterosexuals. That makes so much more sense.
But don’t fret, dear readers, Jade is here to clear things up. Let’s start with the gay men. I am actually REALLY glad I’m not a gay man– the beauty standards in the twink community are even stricter than they are for women in general. You have to be lean, hairless, tall, fair-skinned… Hmm, ironically (or intentionally?) this sounds an awful lot like the beauty standards women in Western society have hoisted upon them daily. Gay men are expected to work out, obsessively, and spend the same kind of time and financial investment on their appearance as heterosexual women. Yikes! The only way to really escape this as a gay man is to be a “bear.” Bears are big, hairy guys (and often leather men, but not necessarily) who love other big, hairy guys. Bears make me laugh out loud at the idea that gay men must all be effeminate– can you think of anything more masculine than two big, burly guys? This image jumps to mind.
Long story short, gay men are generally less overweight than straight men because straight men are rarely held up to any kind of beauty standard, while gay men are (by other gay men). I guess that’s where the similarity between female beauty standards comes in– both are enforced by men, either gay (for other gay men) or straight (for women). But gay women don’t seem to hold other gay women up to the same strict beauty standards as men do. I’m generalizing, of course, and the media certainly has a VERY narrow view of what a lesbian looks like. It’s actually only different from the narrow view of women already depicted by the media in that they’re sometimes a tiny bit butch (by which I mean they’re wearing pants or maybe a vest). Maybe. But lipstick lesbians are much more likely to show up in media depictions of lesbians because the media is targeted towards heterosexual males and what heterosexual males find attractive is not the same thing dykes find attractive. It’s why we don’t fuck each other.
So moving on to why a higher percentage of gay women are overweight than in the general population of women. If you dare to read the comments in the article I linked to (and I wouldn’t suggest it, unless you really love trolls), you’ll find we already have a number of mindbogglingly ignorant theories. Here are my top three:
An honorable mention goes to “Because they eat out all the time!” which, while I’m sure was written with malicious intent, I chuckled at.
So let’s dissect this. First, the idea that women “turn” lesbian because they’re fat and can’t land a man. It goes without saying that this is utterly absurd. For one, you don’t “turn” gay, you’re either queer (gay, lesbian, bi, etc.) or not from the day you’re born. The only choice involved is whether to embrace your sexuality or deny it. Though, I suppose to someone forced into a sexless lifestyle due to being a raging douchecanoe, the idea of “turning” to a particular sexual orientation might make sense. Secondly, there are plenty of men out there who not just tolerate larger women, but actually love and prefer larger women. Don’t believe me? Check out the Museum of Fat Love.
Point two: All lesbians have been sexually abused and that’s both why they’re gay and why they’re fat. It really pains me that I have to explain this, but here goes: 1 in 3 women will be sexually abused in her lifetime. All lesbians are women. Therefore, it logically follows that at least 1 in 3 lesbians has been sexually abused. FUCKING DUH. Furthermore, lesbians are far more likely to be assaulted because of their sexuality than straight women. Hate crimes, anyone?
That aside, the asshats who keep bringing this up are using ancedotal evidence: “Every lesbian I know has been sexual abused.” And how many lesbians do you know? One, two? Are you just assuming they’re gay? Well, guess what, I’ve got ancedotal evidence too. Personally, I’ve seen absolutely NO correlation between abuse, size and orientation, let alone evidence of causation. I have both heavy and thin friends who have been raped but are straight; I have dated both heavy and thin lesbians who haven’t been raped; and me? Well, I’ve been sexually abused by both men and women and am still, historically speaking, attracted to both. But, you know, since I’m not a man, my experience apparently means nothing. Also, the idea that all survivors react to their abuse in the same way is deeply insulting. But that’s another post.
Lastly, lesbians don’t care what men think and therefore let themselves go. You know, this one is actually in the same universe as the real answer, so thank goodness for small favors. It’s true, lesbians DON’T care what men think. That’s why they’re LESBIANS. But that we “let ourselves go” because of that? Missing the mark.
You ready for the real answer? Why are more lesbians fat than straight women? It’s REALLY simple: We’re already othered. Think about it, it’s similar to why more queers are kinky– we’ve already gone so far as to question our heterosexuality, why not question your vanilla-ness too? In this case, it’s a matter of already being othered because of your sexual orientation, so why are you going to adhere to a beauty standard enforced by the mainstream when you’ve already been ousted by the mainstream? Lesbians and gay men are going to follow a beauty standard that exists within our OWN community. For some gay men, this happens to look fairly simliar to the mainstream beauty ideal held up for women.
But dykes? I mean, there are certainly plenty of femmes out there who love to shave and do their hair and wear make-up. I do not mean to exclude the femmes. But as a butch, I can tell you that this isn’t generally expected of femmes the way it’s expected of straight women. And body size definitely goes out the window. (Again, there are exceptions to every rule and if you read the comment thread on that article, you’ll find some douchey lesbians trying to gain access to male privilege and approval by trashing other lesbians.) But as a dyke, let me tell you what I’m attracted to: Natural faces (i.e. no make-up), hairy bodies (I love it when my GF doesn’t shave!), curves and cuddle-ability (I can’t fuck somebody I’m afraid I might break, and I love to cuddle), queerness (anything outside the gender binary) and an unabashed willingness to be yourself.
Notice how NONE of that fits into the beauty standard we’re taught as young, assumed heterosexual women? And no, I don’t expect those things to be attractive to the average male. But, NEWSFLASH, lesbians aren’t trying to attract men! A point the troglobites commenting on this article seem to be deliberately missing.
I know, on some level, it’s silly for me to get worked up about this. Haters are gonna hate, and my anger is exactly what they want. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for the perfect storm of bigotry, ignorance, prejudice and hate since the trolls get to talk about women, fat and homosexuality all in one place. I certainly have plenty of my own privilege, white and able-bodied, to name a few, but as a fat, butch, lesbian, I know there is little love for me in the world. What I truly can’t wrap my head around, though, are comments like, “Imagine a world without fat lesbians.” Huh? What is it to you, straight dude? Sincerely, why in Trogdor’s name do you care about what women who will never, ever, EVER sleep with you look like, think or do? How does it impact your life? Why the hell can’t we all just mind our own business? You know, live and let live?
Maybe I’d understand if I had a penis and the world revolved around it. Thankfully, mine is detachable so I’m allowed to re-engage my brain afterwards.
Moral of the story, Asshole Institutes of Health? Some dykes are fat– get over it!
I know what you’re thinking. ”Hey, Jade, where’s the bitter Valentine’s Day post?” After all, what else do us singles do on V-Day beside grumble? Truth be told, I was earnestly trying to ignore Singles Awareness Day this year. And I thought I was going to get away with it, too! But then the sun came up. I rolled out of bed, got myself to work and had the misfortune of witnessing this encounter:
Coworker1: “Hey, why aren’t you wearing red today?”
Coworker2: “Oooh, I don’t have a Valentine. I’m a rejected Valentine!”
CW1: “What?? Noooo, we love you!! We all love you!!”
CW2: “No, no, it’s OK, you don’t have to cheer me up.”
This was around the time I vomited all over everyone and promptly put a stop to the conversation. No? OK, that didn’t happen, but I wish it had! Because all this Valentine’s self-pity makes me nauseous.
Listen, I agree that V-Day mostly blows. It glorifies couples (heterosexual couples, in particular) and shames single people into hiding. It’s a dumb holiday created for profit– and as such greeting card companies, chocolate makers, florists and restaurants alike rejoice. But if you do not own one of these establishments and you’re single, Valentine’s Day probably sucks. Because it’s not just about “celebrating Love,” that I could get behind! No, it’s about flaunting your coupled privilege if you have it. (Which is pretty rich considering how we constantly talk about gay people “flaunting” their relationships with hand-holding .. Can you imagine what hell would break loose if we behaved like straight couples do on V-Day? Kissing– in public?! Why I NEVER!)
I’m sure there are plenty of couples out there who celebrate V-Day quietly. And for every one of them, there are pairs that have to have the BIGGEST Teddy Bear, the MOST flowers, the FANCIEST dinner and overall the most adoration poured over themselves. In high school, I remember the popular girls would compete over who got the most flowers/gifts/admirers on Valentine’s Day. Sadly, life after high school isn’t much different in this respect, except some of us have figured out how trivial it all is. So you’re pretty and someone brought you flowers. BIG DEAL. What have you done to contribute to society besides look pretty? No, seriously. Looking pretty isn’t in and of itself something commendable, yet there is nothing we commend more (in women in particular). No wonder this holiday has turned into a kind of pissing contest. It’s all about being superior!
And the whole thing just makes me sad. It seems like if you’re not busy feeling superior to the singles, then you’re busy throwing yourself a pity party. JEEZEUS, Stop! Seriously, stop competing with one another for the titles of Most and Least Loved of the Year. Can’t we just Love? Can’t we just be grateful for the people in our lives who Love us and those whom we Love? Can’t we just see this as an opportunity to remind them that we care?
Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy if anything can.
-Thomas Merton
Hey Singles,
Did you know we apparently can’t even cook for ourselves? OK, maybe this article didn’t say that explicitly, but I don’t know what else to make of the title: Sad Singletons Go Hungry After 500,000 Lean Cuisines Recalled Because They Are Full of Glass. The rest of the article doesn’t mention single people whatsoever, so why the cheap shot in the title? What the hell does this story have to do with being single? Absolutely nothing. I’m guessing the author thinks she’s using some witty alliteration, but the title annoyed me so much it distracted from everything else about the article (like what it’s about).
Why am I “sad singleton”? Am I sad because I’m single? Or because, as a single person, I don’t know how to cook for myself and/or don’t think it’s worth cooking for just myself and eat only Lean Cuisine? Seriously? I’ve never even had a Lean Cuisine. I don’t even like typing Lean Cuisine. Which isn’t to say I don’t indulge in junky food sometimes–I definitely do. But if I’m going to buy something frozen and processed, let’s be real about it. Don’t “lean” me anything. I don’t drink “diet” soda for the same reason (also aspartame tastes terrible, but it’s mostly on principle). I’m not being proud. I definitely eat Hot Pockets when I’m depressed (and who doesn’t love the theme?), but not Lean Cuisine (fortunately– since apparently it is full of glass).
More to the point, though, what’s with the stereotype that single people can’t or won’t cook? I know Ms. West didn’t invent the trope, but if anything shouldn’t single people have more time to cook? Fast food seems handy if you’re running late and you don’t have the time or energy to cook for 6 people. So why the reverse that single people are just sad and depressed and either don’t know how to cook (many folks don’t know how to cook– but many still do, men and women alike) or won’t because, why just cook for yourself?
And I guess this is why the whole thing sticks in my craw so much. I think this is an extremely important question, one I ask myself often– why just cook for yourself? I have come to the conclusion that cooking for yourself is an act of radical self-love and is therefore one of the most beneficial things any person, especially a single person, can do for him/her/zirself. I’m not saying you have to cook if you really hate it, or when you’re tired or just don’t feel like it. I have just found that, occasionally, the idea that it’s not worth cooking for just myself enters my mind. It’s one thing to be genuinely tired or to eat out instead of eat in, but out of laziness or loneliness… that’s a problem.
Cooking is actually fun. It’s part science and part art. And thanks to the Internet, recipes are easy to find. I like to read a bunch of difference recipes for similar dishes, and then improvise it in the moment. Think of cooking like a kid would– like you’re a mad scientist searching for the perfect concoction! You will fail sometimes, but those will always be the best stories… as long as you don’t burn the house down. Don’t burn the house down. (TIP: Always put food on a tray when you’re cooking it in the oven or toaster oven; things that drip catch fire.) And if you’re concerned about the expense of fresh food like me, look around for local farmer’s markets and farm shares– they’re usually a great deal!
Most of us probably associate cooking with something our mothers did for the family (though I have a lot of fond memories of cooking with my Dad). While it is essentially a domestic chore, we also consider it to be nurturing. And why shouldn’t it be? Food is supposed to nurture our bodies. I hate that so many of us wage war on food, or don’t have access to it, or have too much and throw it away. I hate that we demonize calories, cause people to fear and love and loathe food at all once, this thing that is supposed to be just fuel and nutrients (and pleasure to some extent). So why shouldn’t we cook for ourselves? We cook for our families, of course, but why shouldn’t we cook for ourselves also? Make our favorite dish, just because we can? Just because we like ourselves enough to put time and energy and imagination into something nurturing?
Sad Singletons Go Hungry? Nah, I’d rather cook.
Dear Couples,
The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. "Nothing, I'm not big into Valentines Day," he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn't. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching…
From Ragen at “Dances with Fat,” one of my all time favorite blogs!
