A lie

So, I lied to my best friend about the strangest thing tonight.  I didn’t even realize it was a lie, truthfully, until the words were out of my mouth.  And then I thought, “Wait… that’s not true.”

Well, anyhow.  She was surfing around on Facebook and she mentioned that “everyone’s paired up now.”  Yeah. Tell me about it.  And she’s semi-dating someone right now herself.  So I started talking about my self perception, and about how I’ve spent far more time being single than I have spent in a Relationship, and it slipped out.

“I can’t really picture myself with anyone, anyway.”

Why did I say that? For a split second did I really think that was true? Because I merely have to have a crush on someone to be transported to a magical land where all we do is suck face all the time.  I think that’s picturing yourself with someone.  I picture myself dancing with girls, kissing girls, maybe even marrying girls.  Maybe.  I really don’t know what the hell I would wear.

I guess what I actually meant to say was, “Naturally I can picture myself as part of a couple, I just don’t really think it’ll happen.”  You know, that whole matrimony thing.  Not that I’m really interested in a legal marriage, except in that it does provide quite a few partner benefits that aren’t offered to domestic partners.  But since some very noisy assholes made it clear that they think marriage is a special privilege that God granted to straight people, I’m inclined to say, “Keep it.”  Really, queers have been finding long-lasting, loving relationships for centuries, without recognition from a heterosexual institution.  I’m not that broken up about it, I just think it’s a lot of “separate but equal” bullshit.

Marriage aside, I do desire a long-term committed relationship sometime in the future.  But that’s really the most specific feeling I have about it, and I grow more skeptical as I get older.  I have a tendency to date narcissists, frankly, and that doesn’t make for the best long-lasing, loving, mutual relationships.  I guess being aware of it is the first step, but boy can dating be tiring.  I’ve accepted that I’m at a lull point in my life, to be frank, it happens.  Just means I need to spend more time working on me.  I’m such a work in progress.


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