So, I lied to my best friend about the strangest thing tonight. I didn’t even realize it was a lie, truthfully, until the words were out of my mouth. And then I thought, “Wait… that’s not true.”
Well, anyhow. She was surfing around on Facebook and she mentioned that “everyone’s paired up now.” Yeah. Tell me about it. And she’s semi-dating someone right now herself. So I started talking about my self perception, and about how I’ve spent far more time being single than I have spent in a Relationship, and it slipped out.
“I can’t really picture myself with anyone, anyway.”
Why did I say that? For a split second did I really think that was true? Because I merely have to have a crush on someone to be transported to a magical land where all we do is suck face all the time. I think that’s picturing yourself with someone. I picture myself dancing with girls, kissing girls, maybe even marrying girls. Maybe. I really don’t know what the hell I would wear.
I guess what I actually meant to say was, “Naturally I can picture myself as part of a couple, I just don’t really think it’ll happen.” You know, that whole matrimony thing. Not that I’m really interested in a legal marriage, except in that it does provide quite a few partner benefits that aren’t offered to domestic partners. But since some very noisy assholes made it clear that they think marriage is a special privilege that God granted to straight people, I’m inclined to say, “Keep it.” Really, queers have been finding long-lasting, loving relationships for centuries, without recognition from a heterosexual institution. I’m not that broken up about it, I just think it’s a lot of “separate but equal” bullshit.
Marriage aside, I do desire a long-term committed relationship sometime in the future. But that’s really the most specific feeling I have about it, and I grow more skeptical as I get older. I have a tendency to date narcissists, frankly, and that doesn’t make for the best long-lasing, loving, mutual relationships. I guess being aware of it is the first step, but boy can dating be tiring. I’ve accepted that I’m at a lull point in my life, to be frank, it happens. Just means I need to spend more time working on me. I’m such a work in progress.