Well, my new beau is now my ex-beau.
Like most decisions, there were a lot of factors on which I needed to ruminate. The poly thing? It really wasn’t working for me. And I really, really should’ve known better considering this was my, what, fourth tango with polyamory? I deserve a sharp slap on the wrist (or kick in the head?) for that one. Ironically, though, in the past my problem as been my lack of being a priority, and this time it was more that I was a priority… and so soon.
Ultimately, the problem was this: I’ve been at my current job for about four months now. I love my job, but it’s hard work, and I am busting my ass to the best of my ability… and it’s still not enough. The day after I broke up with my ex-beau, my supervisor gave me a friendly speech about how he needed more from me. Needless to say, I’ve become a bit of a workaholic over the past few months and… I’m not prepared to let that go just yet. I’m still new to my job, still learning, and still wanting to put 100% into it. Which means I barely have anything left for myself, let alone someone else.
The older I get, the more selfish I become with my time. Time is, arguably, our most precious resource, and the one we often give away the most freely. And I’m no longer fine with letting other people take my time when I don’t want them to. Sure, work could be seen as taking my time, but I feel like I’ve had quite a bit of choice in the matter. I don’t have a choice to work for a living, but I do have a choice to care about my job and to put into it as much as I do. I don’t want to be mediocre, I want to be flippin’ fantastic. And that means hard work, time and energy… that I don’t have to give to someone else a a result.
It’s not that I didn’t like ex-beau, I did, enough so that I don’t want to half-ass a relationship with him. Maybe that seems weird, from a monogamous person to a polyamorous person, but because I’m monogamous, I do consider my partner to be a high priority when I have one. Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to prioritize a relationship right now… so I’m opting to stay single.
Though, to be honest, I never really thought of myself as “unsingle.” We only dated for a few weeks, for one, but even in those few weeks I found myself reluctant to let go of being single. I still thought of myself as single, and mostly behaved as though I were. Single is, in a lot of ways, safe. It means I’m the rug beneath my own feet, so no one else can pull it out from under me. At least, not in the way the end of the relationship turns your life completely inside out. Sure, my life could still go topsy-turvy due to things I have no control over, but that’s how life is. One thing I do have control over is choosing to be single, choosing to have my life be, frankly, less complicated.
Honestly, I have a hard enough time dealing with myself and my own crap on a daily basis without adding someone else’s to the mix. I hope there comes a time when I don’t feel that way, where relationships don’t seem like a chore. And for the right person(s), I’m sure it won’t. What I’m less certain about is whether I’ll be ready: established enough in my career, comfortable enough in my body and mind–they both seem like such lifelong pursuits. Then again, I don’t know that you can ever be fully prepared for Life. Just when I think I’ve got it down, it throws me a curve ball. I suppose, then, when the time comes, I just pray I’m brave enough.